To Towel Or Not To Towel

It isn't a question.

Published on October 6, 2003 By TidalPoet In Personal Relationships

I had started to apologize in advance to all parents who take care of their children. But I erased it because why should I cast a doubt over what you'd do in this situation as a responsible parent, hell - as a person who cares about others. The fall has come, and the air is alive with a biting chill. Every morning my child arrives at the bus stop from her mothers without an appropriate jacket, hair dripping wet, and without breakfast.

The situation I'm in is a bit tricky, as most sharing custody agreements are, and I'm not in a position to take manners to a court. Mostly due to the outrageous cost of a lawyer and the length of time that it would take to do something about this. I have no illusion that my ex-wife attempts to do this with malicious intent. She does love our daughter but I fear she has more focus on what is best for herself, than the well being of the child.

I don't want to take my Bean away from her mother, no more than any decent person would want to deprive another of someone they loved dearly. This is exactly why I've launched this blog, to document and reflect on the life of my daughter.

This morning was no different. She arrived, barely beating the bus - hair dripping wet, clothes horribly mismatched, and no coat. She'd been to northern Virginia during the weekend to hang out with some of her friends. On Saturday, a day I was supposed to have her, she called and said, "I'm gonna go ahead and keep her for the weekend." After having previously told me I was going to have her the entire weekend. Not such a big deal, so I asked why. Well, one of her boyfriend's friends had children and she didn't want to be bothered by them - so she wanted to bring Alaura along so they could all entertain themselves. Horrid reason on its own. She got back very late Sunday night, probably too late for a five year old to get the proper sleep. Most likely too late for even her to get enough sleep - thus being late this morning.

Nothing special, no colorful metaphors or amusing stories to tell today, but I wanted to put it down. My short term memory is pretty poor and I have a tendency to smoothe things over for the sake of the Bean, and I think that's important. But when the time comes to remember why my anger rises and to share with others so they can see the blatant disregard this woman shows for her child - I want this to be a living testimony of neglect.

Thanks for reading.

Comments

Mr_Frog

on Oct 06, 2003

That poor baby. Being a father of two, I can empathise with your dilemma. I can see your conundrum in not wanting to take Bean away from her mother, but sometimes you have to hurt others for the best interest of those who cannot wholly take care of themselves. Why is the custody arrangement not the other way around, with you having the majority of time with your daughter. It seems like you care a whole lot more about her well being.

Susan

on Oct 06, 2003

After reading a few of your blogs, I have become pretty addicted to my daily dose of the Bean, and am finding that I need it as much as I need my morning coffee.

But on a more serious note, I have to say that as a woman, it is WONDERFUL to read that there are single father's out there who are the complete antithesis of the "dead beat dad" syndrome. There are many women out there who are looking for men like you!

I also have to say that as a woman, I'm a little more than embarassed by my own gender's inability to raise her daughter.

TidalPoet

on Oct 06, 2003

Well, I'd love to say I was always a perfect guy. But I'm afraid not. For the last three years I've gotten my life together and really wised up to how things should be. During the first two and during our break up - the ex-wife left with her and controlled the divorce through money. I was in the military and didn't have money or time to deal with any of it. So, she forced the situation and has been using her as leverage ever since.

Luckily I'm now surrounded by family that can see all of what's happening and supports me very much. This blog might be a source of reference for a court date in the future. Hopefully that won't be needed - but it will be here if it is.
Thanks for the comments guys. Please feel free to give me a smack on the head if you see me post something here that as a Dad I shouldn't do.

OckhamsRazor

on Oct 06, 2003

"Please feel free to give me a smack on the head if you see me post something here that as a Dad I shouldn't do."

I'm hestitant to speak with all the accolades pouring in, but there are a couple of things I wonder about. I like reading about the Bean as much as the next person, but has the Bean been consulted about the documentation of her life in this public fashion? I also wonder about your motivations as well, because sometimes it seems more like a documentation of her witch-like mother.

This is not a smack on the head, and I'm no one to speak. My father is a raging arse sometimes, but when I was a child, it actually felt like harm to hear my mother talk badly about him. I mean...yeah he was not the greatest, but he was still my Dad, ya know?

I have to wonder how the Bean would feel about you publically dragging her mother through the mud (frustration understood, my friend, but perception rules), while dressing it as a documentation of the life of a Father and his daughter. Would she ask if "Mom knows you're doing that?" and DOES Mom? I hope for everything you post here regarding Bean's Mom, you also talk to Bean's mom about it.

If I'm way out in left field, feel free to smack ME on the head, but perhaps these are things that haven't been considered. You can still document the mother's nonsense in a private blog, by the way..

Ockhams Razor - is that my signature...or a suggestion?

TidalPoet

on Oct 07, 2003

Well, the Bean is five. She can't read and still has trouble tieing her shoes, and up to this point hasn't shown a great worry for privacy in any aspect of her life. That's another story though (which I'm sure I'll tell

)

My motivations were laid out in the first post Beans Recorded and I hope that I haven't shifted from it in any way. I'm documenting pretty much anything and everything, it's just that lately her mother has been really pushing my "Daddy" buttons so to speak. If there weren't a mother involved then I wouldn't write about her.

I don't speak badly about the Bean's mother, nor do I use sarcastic nasties that "she shouldn't understand." Granted on occasion I have slipped and let fly some negative comment or two, but that's me being human and I'll be documenting that also.

In regards to public muddragging, I have to say that this is rather anonymous. While you can all be involved to an extent, real names will never be shared and true identities will remain hidden. If you had her name and address and were intent on stalking her, I could see how this would be some type of invasion - but it isn't and you do not.

Discussing things of this nature with the Bean's mother has become a chore and task that I do not ignore. I have yet to start documenting all areas of our relationship, but that's only due to me taking my time and progressing the blog in its own pace. Suffice it to say that every issue being covered in my blogs has been brought to her attention, multiple times by multiple people.

I can do it in a private way, you are entirely correct. But when I do it that, will anyone learn? Would it be a guide or a reminder to anyone else? I think awareness and involvement - albeit anonymous and through web only - is key to development of self. That, and if I did this in private, would I be able to glean wisdom and suggestions from those such as yourself and others? No, and that is part of the encompassing goal and is inherent when using a blog system as a personal diary.

Intrinsicly I'm a private person who shares little with outsiders. I'm still that same person using the web as my 'wall.' I hope this has helped and not caused you to think even more ill of me ;>

Thanks

OckhamsRazor

on Oct 07, 2003

"I hope this has helped and not caused you to think even more ill of me ;>"

I never felt ill of you, just concern, but it is a concern based on my own brand of perspective regarding what I can only call "the unknown laws of human dynamics". Those unknown laws may be very real and affect many many things, or they may be the idle imaginings of my old and tired brain. For all I know, you're ALL the imaginings of my old and tired brain, but it's a little exhausting to go through Philosophy 101 here

I have no place to think ill of anyone...I know that much, and as such I should probably have followed my instinct and kept my hands in my pockets.

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